My triplet sons were just five when they started T-ball. I can still vividly recall the April night when the head coach called to tell me that they were on the T-ball Red Sox and that the first practice would be held at the high school softball field in two days.
After I hung up I paused a moment to catch my breath. It was a truly exciting time. The first five years of my sons' lives had been a ton of work, but now I felt some of the real fun was about to start. I knew if my sons were anything like me, they would love sports, especially baseball. Mostly, I hoped that the triplets would find a sport or two that they could enjoy playing the rest of their lives.
When we arrived at the first practice, were greeted by four fathers holding clipboards and wearing Red Sox caps and jackets. The boys were told to pair up and play catch, while the coaches circulated, writing notes on their clipboards. Their stern expressions and lack of jovial banter conveyed the message to parents that they were in charge and this was serious business. We were told we could leave and come back to pick up our sons in an hour.
Some of the veteran parents left. Like a few of the rookies, I stayed to watch. Over the course of the practice, each of my sons checked in with me several times, looking for reassurance. They were the youngest boys on the team, just old enough by age cutoff date to be eligible to play that spring. Some of their teammates were almost a year older, a huge difference developmentally at such a young age. I kept telling them that everyone, including the coaches, was there to have fun. But I had a tough time believing it. If T-ball was all about having fun, why weren't the coaches smiling? Why weren't they interacting with any of the boys? What could possibly be so important that all four were toting clipboards and stopwatches?
As the season progressed, it became obvious that my sons and a number of other boys on the team were not having fun. During each game and practice, they had the same complaint: the coaches weren't letting them play any of the "fun" position in the infield, relegating them instead to the outfield, where very few balls were ever hit. The only boys playing the fun spots were the sons of the four coaches! Six boys were never given a chance to play the infield.
I can still remember the sad look on my son Spencer's face as he asked me why he couldn't play the infield. I put my arms around him and whispered, "When your team comes off the field next inning, go up to the coach and tell him you would like to play an infield position. Better yet, tell him all the boys who always stand in the outfield want a turn." With a twinkle in his eye that suggested that our plan just might work, he returned to his position in right field.
When the Red Sox came off the field to bat, I saw Spencer approach the coach. He brought along his two brothers for support. "Coach, can we play the fun spots next inning, please?" he asked. How could anyone resist a five-year old with a big smile and a twinkle in his eye?
One of the coaches' sons-who was almost a year older than my sons-blurted out, "You stink. That's why you are out there. We are the best."
Spencer began to cry. Between sobs he managed to say, "I don't stink!" No coach came to his defense. Ever-present-clipboard in hand, the head coach simply walked away and called off the batting order, leaving it to me to try to console a little boy whose only crime was that he wanted to have fun.
Young athletes are not pint-sized professional athletes. They don't earn performance -based bonuses. They aren't going to be paid a dime more for scoring three goals per game than for scoring three goals in the entire season, or for being on a championship team instead of the team in the cellar. So we need to treat them as kids, not major leaguers.
In an oft-cited 1988 study, the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports at Michigan State University asked ten thousand junior high and high school students to list their twelve top reasons for participating in sports. At the top of the list for both boys and girls was "to have fun." Girls ranked winning as the least important reason; boys rated winning eighth.
Ask kids about what they want to get out of sports, and the vast majority will say competitive games in which everyone plays and has fun. Given a choice between fun and winning, most would say having fun. They would rather play on a losing team than sit on the bench of a winning team. Believe it or not, this attitude persists through high school, where you would think that kids would begin to value winning over playing. Three out of four high school athletes, regardless of gender, would still prefer to play and lose than sit and win (although twice as many boys than girls said winning was essential for an enjoyable sports experience.
Children aren't born competing; it's something they learn. The best thing we can do for our kids, as parents and coaches, is to keep the amount of competition in youth sports from becoming excessive, to make having fun and learning the sport as important, if not more important than winning, especially for younger children. They will have a lifetime of competition soon enough.
As children grow, mature, and improve their skills in playing a particular sport, they begin to see a pattern of successes and failures. Trained coaches call this "self-discovery," and it is a very important part of the learning process. Parents should encourage it. But youth players need the freedom to experiment in practice and games, to take risks, to be creative. If winning is the only measure of "success," such experimentation is stifled and player development stunted. A successful competition is one where every player on both teams contributes, does his best, and respects his teammates, his opponents, and the rules.
While encouraging this learning process, keep in mind:
It is a myth that fun has to be sacrificed if a child is to succeed at sports. Indeed, the only way an athlete will continue to play sports-regardless of level of ability-is if he or she is having fun. Athletes have to practice hard to reach an elite level. If it all work and no play, they simply won't keep playing. Success is determined by the player's own desire to succeed, which comes from a love of the game.
When children are having fun they are more relaxed and better able to learn. A July 2004 Harris Interactive Youth Query of eight-to eighteen- year-olds found that most quit playing at thirteen or fourteen and that the number-one reason they did, cited by four out of ten, was because they stopped having fun. They survey found that the decision to quit had less to do with that boy's or girl's own skills-or lack of skills-than with pressure from adults who acted as if each game was the seventh game of the World Series and the child's need to preserve a positive self-image.
Judging from the number of e-mails I get from parents who are reluctant to let their athletically gifted children quit sports because it isn't fun anymore, a lot of parents have a difficult time with the concept.
Links:
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