I am often asked what it really looks like when parents get stuck in the Intensity Web. The following examples shows how parents can get caught up in their children's soccer game and lose focus, dramatically increasing the chances that they will act in ways that do not reflect their values.
Setting The Stage
It is a great day for a soccer game. Two Under 12 select girls' teams (red team and blue team) are meeting in the final game of the season to determine which will represent their league in the city tournament. The teams have already met twice during the season, each coming away with a win. Both games were often physical, with neither team willing to be intimidated by the other. Each team feels the other team plays dirty, and that the referees haven't called the previously games fairly.
The teams will share one sideline; their parents stand on the opposite sideline. Instead of practicing good sportsmanship by exchanging friendly greetings, each group of parents stakes out "their" own turf on the sideline and eyes the other with suspicion and distrust. After all, they are "the enemy".
During the pre-game warm up, the red team parents become a little agitated when they learn who has been assigned to referee the game: a man who they feel has not treated the red team fairly in previous games and one who they think lacks the skills needed to handle a game with playoff implications. The parents start to talk about how this may be a long day for the red team. The game hasn't even started and yet the tension level has already gone up a notch or two.
When the game begins, the teams feel each other out. After the red team's goalkeeper saves a weak shot, she punts it to midfield. Two players jostle a bit for position as they go up for the 50/50 ball. The blue team player heads it to a teammate; the red player ends up on the ground, rubbing her head. The parents on the red team start abusing the ref. "Hey, ref! Are you blind?" one yells. "Are you being paid by the blue team?" another shouts? The sideline intensity continues to increase.