Of the tens of thousands of e-mails MomsTeam has received over the years, most distressing are those that detail how often emotional or even physical abuse of youth sports athletes in the name of winning. Simply put, there is no excuse for such abuse.
Typical is the following story:"Courtney, knock it off!" the coach admonished. "Stop your crying, and wipe your face! You are a selfish player by showing up late and I'm going to get rid of selfish players. You know my rules. Rule number one is to be at practice on time. Late is late, whether it's thirty seconds or thirty minutes. The only time that will be used is my watch, which is set to the school clock. You were five minutes late. Because this is your first time being late, your 'reminder' is to run ten sets of bleacher stairs, and do five defensive hustle drills.
"You're not finished running. Get back up there! Fast," Courtney's coach screamed with the voice of a Marine drill sergeant.
After running the stairs for twenty minutes, Courtney became ill and ran to the bathroom, where she vomited. When she returned to the basketball court - humiliated, scared and too sick to continue - her coach ordered her to finish her stair running.
Courtney's mother, Sandra, reported that a similar scenario played out with another girl the very next day. This time the girl threw up twice. Sandra told me that parents had lodged numerous complaints about the coach, but got nowhere. "We're planning to take this issue up with the school board and possibly file a lawsuit if we can't get positive resolution," said her e-mail, "but I would appreciate any and all guidance, you can give."
I suggested that Sara and her husband meet with the coach and to call me if the matter was not satisfactorily resolved. After the meeting, she wrote again: "We did have the meeting, but I feel nothing was accomplished. The principal and the coach actually sat there in the meeting and laughed at my husband and me when we voiced our concern over making a twelve-year-old girl run until she puked. Their response was, "Well, if she can't take it, she doesn't have to play."
"They said they wanted a winning basketball team, and that they would do whatever it took to get it. I voiced my concerns over the physical and mental well-being of the girls on the team. They told me I would never change a thing, that I was the minority in my way of thinking."
The next day, Courtney brought home a contract for participation in junior high and high school girl's athletics, including a long list of the coach's rules and the punishments for breaking them. One required that players who failed to make at least seven out of ten free throws in practice to run one "up and back" for each free throw missed short of the required seven. Another required players to run one up and back for every free throw missed in a game. The same rules applied to everyone, whether a 12-year-old seventh grader or an 18-year-old high school senior.
Following the list of the coach's rules and punishments was an eight paragraph missive on his coaching philosophy, including statements that:
What actually constitutes child abuse? When is a coach being abusive as opposed to just being a strict disciplinarian? How can a parent tell the difference? Were Courtney's parents right to complain? Was the coach, in fact, engaging in child abuse?
In order to answer these questions, one needs to know what actually constitutes child abuse in the sports context.
As a general rule, child abuse:
There are four main types of abuse:
1. Physical abuse. Physical abuse can take a variety of forms:
2. Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse is any attitude or behavior by any person in a position of power, authority, or trust, such as a parent, coach or official, or even another player or someone vying for a position on the same team, which interferes with a child's mental and social health and development, including attacks on a child's self worth and esteem. This form of abuse occurs even if the attack is intended as a form of discipline or is not intended by the adult to cause harm. It also includes the failure to provide the support necessary for the development of a child's emotional, social, physical and intellectual well-being, such as, for example, a coach giving other players preferential treatment, persistent benching and failing to abide by the league rules on fair and/or playing time [5] Like physical abuse, emotional abuse can take many forms:
3. Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse occurs when a person in a position of power [6], authority or trust, including a parent, coach, or another teammate, engages in any sexual act with a child [7].
4. Neglect: Neglect is a chronic inattention to the basic necessities of life and the failure to provide for a child's physical and emotional needs. An adult, including parents, coaches, and administrators, whose neglect (i.e. failure to act) results in or unnecessarily or unreasonably exposes a child to physical, emotional or sexual abuse is just as guilty of child abuse as those who directly participate in such abuse. Neglect can take any of the following forms in a youth sports context:
When the actions of Courtney's coach are tested against this definition of child abuse, it is clear that he was engaging in at least three forms of child abuse:
Perhaps because the damage caused by emotional abuse is not obvious, like sexual abuse, or immediately apparent, like a physical injury, its effect is often overlooked and minimized. But, says the late San Francisco sports and child psychiatrist, Dr. Maria Pease, the damage is no less real, and, in fact, may be much more damaging and long lasting:
Clearly, Courtney's parents and I felt the coach's behavior was emotionally and physically abusive. What was disturbing wasn't so much that the coach and principal disagreed. It was that, because they wanted a winning basketball team (and felt most of the parents did, too), they felt they were somehow justified in doing whatever it took to achieve that objective, no matter the emotional, psychological or physical toll it would likely take on the players.
Is Courtney's story an extreme and unusual case? Neither. Sadly, it is the kind of story I hear virtually every day from concerned parents all across the country.
Yet, hopefully, it illustrates in a powerful way the kind of abuse that is too often condoned in today's "win-at-all-costs" youth sports culture, abuse that, simply put, has to stop.
Adapted from the book Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (Harper Collins) by Brooke de Lench.
Brooke de Lench is a pioneer of child athlete safeguards and rights, a risk reduction in sports and legal consultant, Founding Executive Director of MomsTeam Institute, Inc., Producer of the documentary, "The Smartest Team: Making High School Football Safer" (PBS). Director of Smart Teams Play Safe, Publisher of MomsTEAM.com, and author of Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (HarperCollins), and Brooke is also a founding member of the UN International Safeguards of Children in Sports coalition. She can be reached by email delench@MomsTeam.com [8], and you can follow her on Twitter @BrookedeLench,@MomsTeam and @SmartTeams
Links:
[1] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/796
[2] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/863
[3] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/800
[4] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/415
[5] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/730
[6] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/6693
[7] https://mail.momsteam.com/node/791
[8] mailto:delench@MomsTeam.com
[9] https://mail.momsteam.com/health-safety/ways-parents-can-help-prevent-sexual-harassment-and-abuse-in-youth-sports
[10] https://mail.momsteam.com/health-safety/sexual-abuse/warning-signs-sexual-abuse-by-coach-of-child
[11] https://mail.momsteam.com/health-safety/sexual-abuse-of-boys-in-sports-does-the-sports-culture-itself-play-a-role
[12] https://mail.momsteam.com/bullying-sports-teams-advice-parents
[13] https://mail.momsteam.com/health-safety/critical-coach-or-bully-how-parents-can-help-their-child-deal-with-difficult-coach
[14] https://mail.momsteam.com/health-safety/emotional-injuries/bullying/youth-sports-coaches-who-bully-use-four-techniques-to-avoid-blame