A Stressful Situation
If the world were a perfect place, talking to a youth sports coach would
be as natural and stress free as talking to your child's teacher.
Mothers should feel free to let the coach know anything we feel will
affect our child's participation, such as stress in his home life or
school, the fact that he has chronic asthma, that he is grieving over
the death of a family pet or has to miss a game to attend a family
wedding. We also should be able to expect that the coach will share any
concerns with us about our child at any time.
Unfortunately, as I know all too
well from my conversations with mothers and coaches over the years,
there is nothing that worries and confuses mothers more. It is simply
astounding how many otherwise confident and competent mothers -
successful trial lawyers, emergency room physicians, business
executives, and stay-at-home moms - end up lying awake in the wee hours
of the morning worrying about this issue. The reason is that, unlike
your child's teacher, her coach, in all probability, is not a
professional educator trained to put the child's interest first at all
times.
Since it simply isn't possible to
shield our children completely from bad coaches, when we feel that we
have something to say, no matter how unpopular, we should speak up. If
your intuition is to speak, speak. There is no dishonor in voicing an
opinion; there is no dishonor in trying to protect your child.
Before you talk
First, regardless of the issue
you may have with your child's coach, talk to your child to find out
what he is feeling and thinking before you talk to the coach. His
feelings may be very different than yours and they deserve your respect.
Second, encourage your child to
talk to the coach himself. If you jump in every time your child has a
problem, your child will soon get the message that she isn't capable of
taking care of herself and will look to you to solve other problems she
may be having in her life. For instance, if he is not getting as much
playing time as he thinks he deserves, he should ask, "Coach, what do I
need to work on so that I can earn more playing time?"
Third, don't speak up until you
see a pattern and after you have gathered all the facts with an open
mind. Check with the assistant coaches and other parents. Be patient.
Give the coach the chance to get to know your child before you begin
complaining.
Fourth, even if your child's
feelings mirror your own don't conclude that you have to talk to the
coach.
Consider the effect your talking to the coach may have on your
child's relationships with his teammates and the coach. Sometimes, it
may be better to keep quiet until you have given the matter more
thought and, perhaps, talked to other parents to see if they have
concerns similar to yours. If so, you may be better off going to the
coach as a group.
Talking to the coach: the when, where and what
If your child can't resolve the
problem with the coach on her own, it is time for you to become your
child's advocate and meet with the coach. Your child should be present,
even if you end up doing most, if not all, the talking because it will
help her learn how to speak for herself in the future with other
coaches and authority figures.
- Choose the right time and place.
If you have criticisms, or want to voice a negative comment to your son
or daughter's coach, the best time to talk to the coach is after the
game and alone, not in front of the players and other parents. Right
before, during, or immediately after games or practices are absolutely
the worst time to have a heart-to-heart with the coach. Contact the
coach later that day, when you have calmed down and have had a chance
to develop some perspective, after you have had a chance to collect
your thoughts, or, better yet, put them down on paper. If a
face-to-face meeting is warranted, set a time and place which is free
of distractions where you can talk and maintain good eye contact.
Someplace where you can talk over a cup of coffee or grab a donut works
well. If you are better at communicating in writing, you could send an
e-mail, but remember that they can be easily misinterpreted and come
off as confrontational and be read and forwarded by anyone.
- Don't apologize.
While there is no best way to give criticism, don't apologize or make
excuses. Women tend to say "I'm sorry" more than men. The problem is
that men tend to view such ritual apologies as a sign of weakness, that
the speaker lacks confidence.
- Keep the message simple but direct.
Girls grow up learning conversational styles that focus on the
relationship aspect while boys learn conversational styles that focus
on the status dimension. Men try to avoid being put in the "one-down"
position. Women tend to avoid putting anyone in that position. A
woman's tendency to use indirect speech, to temper criticism with
praise, and exchange compliments works fine when talking with other
women, but less well when talking with a male coach who tends to speak
directly and take words literally. State one or two concerns, at most,
simply, briefly, honestly and directly. Be respectful. Don't
exaggerate. Describe the situation in non-judgmental terms. Explain how
it affects you and your child; and then state a preference for how you
believe it can best be resolved.
- Watch your tone of voice.
Women have a different speaking style than men, one that often makes us
seem less competent and self assured then we actually are. I found that
I was able to advocate more effectively for my child when talking to a
coach if I lowered my voice so I didn't whine, and didn't get emotional
or angry (Unfortunately, women who are angry and tense sound whiny).
- Check your body language:
Are your arms tightly folded across your chest or are your hands loose
and comfortable? Are you making direct eye contact and are your eyes
open without the "evil eye" appearance that you may really want to be
expressing?
- Talk slowly. Deep breathing helps to regulate and slow down your speaking.
- Avoid words that block open communication.
What you say can make a big difference in how you are perceived. Avoid
words like "but", "try," "should," "have to ...," "always," "never,"
and "obviously."
- Be assertive, not aggressive.
Be firm but polite. You want the coach to hear you, believe you, and
help resolve an important problem, not feel like he is being attacked.
Yet, common communication techniques almost guarantee the opposite
result. Too often, we lead with personal attacks, exaggerations, and
pre-judgments. Opening salvos such as "You told Allison that she would
be the starting midfielder," or "Josh never would have played on this
team if you'd told us how expensive it was going to be" beg for debate
and rebuttal, rather than inviting problem solving and empathy.
Instead, send a powerful message that can get through the coach's
defenses because it focuses on the problem, not the person.
- Practice active listening.
After the coach has stated his thoughts you should paraphrase what he
has just said, such as by saying, "What I hear you saying is that
....." Saying to a coach, "What I understand you to be saying is that
some of the girls will play the entire game while most will only play
half the game or less," may make him see how unfair he is being. Try to
see things from the coach's point of view; it is likely to vastly
improve the quality of the discussion.
- Look for common ground.
Usually, we think we have the solution all figured out, before we know
enough about the problem. Making a single, non-negotiable demand
prevents discussion of other creative options and makes it harder to
back down in favor of a better idea (especially if the coach is a man,
given the natural resistance of men to being told what to do, which
they view as an assault on their competence). A more constructive
approach is to accept that there are many ways to solve a problem.
Then, generate as many options as possible that combine the coach's
interests and your own. Remember, men are especially likely to be
indirect when it comes to admitting fault or weakness, so pushing for
an admission of fault, which forces a man into the uncomfortable "one
down" position may not be the best approach.
Brooke de Lench is Founder and Publisher of MomsTeam.com and the author of Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (HarperCollins), which is now available for the Kindle on Amazon .
Updated December 3, 2011
Teaser title:
How To Talk To Your Kids Coach
Teaser text:
Since it simply isn't possible to shield our children completely from bad coaches, when we feel that we have something to say, no matter how unpopular, we should speak up. If your intuition is to speak, speak. There is no dishonor in voicing an opinion; there is no dishonor in trying to protect your child.