Emily was only eight, yet he had strong opinions about who could attend her games. I couldn't understand her reasons, and when I asked Lauren, she was as perplexed as I was. I started ticking off a list of possibilities for Lauren.
"You must be one of those moms who yell at him from the sideline," I said half-jokingly, knowing that kids are embarrassed by loud parents.
"No, that can't be the reason," she said. "I spend most of my time during the games knitting or chatting with other parents."
None of the other possible explanations for Emily's demand seemed to apply either.
Thinking that Emily might tell me why he felt the way he did, I volunteered to give him a ride home. Lauren agreed.
Negative Labels
In the car after the game, Emily and my daughter were celebrating how well they had played. Emily was a bit sad that her mom hadn't been there to see her play goal, as she had recorded a shutout. I asked her why she had gone home. "Well, it's a long story," Emily said, "but I don't like her to see me play poorly. In my last game, I gave up five goals. My mom tried to tell me what I did wrong, and I didn't like it. She's never played field hockey and doesn't even know the rules."
Kids, especially under twelve, are always seeking their parents' approval. Negative labels and generalizations and criticism can have a devastating emotional impact. If you critique your child's performance, she will interpret your anger, disapproval, and disappointment as meaning that you don't love her anymore; that your love is conditional.
Every child will have good field games and bad field hockey games, so keep in mind a couple of points:
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It is important to keep the bad times in perspective. After a loss, your child will most appreciate words of encouragement and a hug. Resist the temptation to hash out everything that went wrong right after the game or scrimmage on the way home in the car.
- Just like you after a hard day at work, kids just want to relax after a field hockey game or practice; it usually isn't the best time to talk to them. If you want to talk about the game, do it when your child isn't stressed or thinking about the game he just played. Children need to be given the space to process the experience on their own and then move on.
