A Parent's Greatest Strength And Weakness
It is no easy task to be a parent
of a young athlete. Hard enough are the tasks of helping the child
learn how to handle the ups and downs of competition. But perhaps most
challenging are the demands on your own coping skills - learning how to manage emotions that are repeatedly tested under trying conditions.
As a parent, you experience a
rush of positive emotions when your child triumphs, a deflating sense
of emptiness when they lose. This emotional process can almost become
addicting. Instead of focusing on the child’s goals, you can get caught
up in seeking more experiences where you can feel that rush of positive
emotions. You can begin to focus on your own fantasies for your child -
fantasies of success, fame, and recognition.
A common problem is that your
love of your child may lead you to behave in ways that ultimately hurt
the child’s development, or hurt their relationship with you. The
paradox of being a parent is that the good reasons we have for pushing
our children to succeed can, at the same time, lead to behaviors that
teach our children to be selfish and grasping instead. A parent’s
greatest strength - their unwavering emotional support of their child
and their willingness to make sacrifices for their child’s athletic
advancement - is thus also their greatest weakness.
The Parent Trap
Unfortunately, parents get caught in this trap all the time. It shows itself in the following ways:
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Over-identification.
You naturally identify with your child, but over-identification may
lead you to ignoring your child’s feelings and focusing instead on your
own.
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Selfish dreaming.
It is normal, as a parent, to dream of your child’s future, but
sometimes parents get so attached to their own dreams that they lose
sight of what the child wants.
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Confusing investment with sacrifice.
As a parent, you love your children so much that you are willing to
make tremendous sacrifices on their behalf, spending money to support
the child’s sport and taking the time to be there for the child. But
parents may come to see these sacrifices as investments and then expect
that the investments will pay off and yield tangible benefits.
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Competing with other parents.
You want your child to excel but it easy to get caught up in competing
with other parents, pushing your child to succeed and hoping that the
other children will fail, giving your child a chance to shine.
The Positive Versus The Dark Side
Watching parents who do a great
job of supporting their child’s development in sports, and watching
those who fall into the trap of pushing their child beyond the limits,
I have seen that the difference between them is whether they can put
their own desires aside (Dark Side) and focus on what their child wants (Positive Side).
Here are some specific examples
of ways in which parents can cross the line between positive and
negative in supporting a child athlete:
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Positive Side
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Dark Side
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Giving Encouragement
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Becoming Over-Involved
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- Shouting out praise for a good play or in joy or excitement when a
goal is scored or the child gets a base hit is a natural response for
any parent.
- Being a parent of a young athlete can require an enormous commitment in terms of time and energy. The majority of parents are strong supporters and encouragers of their children’s athletic participation.
- The influence of parents on good athletes is well documented. In a
survey of baseball players who made it to the professional minor
leagues, most reported that, when they were young, their parents:
- Provided money to buy equipment
- Regularly attended their games
- Provided money for team fees and clinic costs
- Gave them an allowance during high school
- Went with them to see major and minor league baseball games
- Advised them to pursue professional baseball careers
- Regularly practiced baseball with them.
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- While the vast majority feel loved and supported by having their
parents present at competitions, in some families the presence of Mom
and Dad on the sidelines causes tension in the family, even to the
point of negatively impacting on the child’s athletic performance.
- Parents who act in ways that upset the young athlete, or that upset
the coaches or officials, can create tension not only for the family,
but also for all the children on the field, and often for all the
parents watching.
- Even when a young athlete feels encouraged and supported by her own parents, the behavior of other parents
can ruin the experience for them. "It wasn’t even my own parents," said
one nineteen year-old client , "it was the other parents screaming at
the coach and the referee that made most games a misery."
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Providing Constructive Criticism
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Becoming A Pushy Parent
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- Parents are in a good position to offer constructive criticism to their young athlete.
- Many parents provide early coaching for their child. It is very
common for a parent to teach a child new skills if the parent also
played the game. Skill building of this kind can take place in an
informal way, free of the structure of an organized sports program.
- It is more challenging when a parent becomes a coach for a son or
daughter’s sports team. You should remember that while you can easily
make the distinction between being a parent and being a coach, your
children can’t easily distinguish between criticism from “Dad, the
coach” versus “Dad, the parent.”
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- Problems can arise when a parent’s natural tendency to be
supportive and to offer advice clashes with the coaching process in
youth sports.
- The greater the skill level of the young athlete the more likely it
is that the coach will perceive coaching by parents as intrusive.
- Your child can be put in a no-win situation if you yell out some
advice from the stands that differs from what he or she was told by the
coach. Who does she obey? You or the coach?
- Your child may view your offering critical advice negatively and
unwelcome, especially as they get older. A father or mother who offers
constant criticisms of their sports performance frustrates many
thirteen- and fourteen-year olds I talk to.
- You may see yourself as a great resource for your child, helping
him to learn the nuances of the game, but your child may see you as a
parent who cares not about him but about how well he plays.
- The danger is that your child will see himself as an athlete and
evaluate his entire self-worth on the basis of how well he plays.
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Being A Role Model
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Becoming Abusive
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- Children learn the skill of self-control by watching you display good self-control skills
- Organized youth sports programs frequently offer parents good
chances to model good behavior for children and effective ways to deal
with conflict
- Handling a dispute over a clash in game schedules, deciding on who
plays what position, making a tough call in a close game - such
situations abound in youth sports.
- A parent or coach who remains calm and thoughtful in such
situations provides the young athletes with an appropriate role model
for handling emotional situations.
- Remember: children learn far more from their own observations of
adult behavior than they do from verbal instructions on how to behave.
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- Your child can become intimidated by your presence at her games if she hears you shouting at officials.
- Actions speak louder than words. If you tell your child to display
self-control and to respect authority but your child sees you losing
your temper and yelling at an official at his game, all your efforts
will be undermined.
- The sort of fan behavior that may be tolerated at a professional
sports contest (such as yelling at players and criticizing an official
for what you perceive was a bad call) is not appropriate at a
youth sports contest; as more and more youth sports mimic the intensity
and competitiveness of professional contests, parents are more and more
likely to act like fans.
- Acting as fan at your child’s athletic competition can have serious
repercussions. Said one of my patients, a quiet and thoughtful
fourteen-year old girl, about her father, “It’s all a bunch of crap,
what he says. He has no respect for authority, but he expects me to toe
the line. And when I say something about it, he yells at me.”
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